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This was previously on Ann's
Page
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Spock and Dracs -
How to deal with Junk EMail
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Being webmasters, Spock and Dracs have
their own email address and Inbox. Inevitably they get their share
of junk emails. A lot of the emails allege that they have the
boys' address because they filled in a feedback form or registered
with the website. Given the nature of some of the emails, this
makes me wonder exactly what the pair of them get up to after
I've gone to bed for the night!
The boys have now started to retaliate
and have responded to a number of the senders in their own inimitable
style. They have never received any further junk mail from the
recipients!
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To the makers
of septic tanks who thought the boys might be interested
in buying one from them.
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It was very kind of you to think
of us. We were extremely interested to read about your septic
tanks and have given the idea of purchasing one a great
deal of thought. However, after much consideration, we've
decided to stay with our litter tray.
Siamese cats Spock and Dracs
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To a lady called
Linda Gillie, who sent them a very long email all about
a product called "Weigh Out" and how it had revolutionised
her life by helping her to lose weight.
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Thank you for sharing
your story with us. What exactly IS a weight problem? Is it
like when we find something really interesting in the garden
and it's too heavy to drag home? As we are two Siamese cats,
food is of all consuming interest to us, especially when it's
on the plate of the human with whom we live. If you could
bottle some of that, let us know.
Spock and Dracs
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To the sender of an email which
included the following lines:
"End your performance problems
and enlarge your equipment without pills, pumps, or sketchy
snake-oil remedies."
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Thank you for sending us this email.
We were fascinated at the thought of enhancing our performance
without any of the things you mentioned. Being 2 cats, it's
extremely difficult for us to operate pumps and open snake
oil bottles. (It's all to do with not having opposable thumbs.)
As for pills, we hate them. We don't actually use any equipment
to catch our mice and we think our performance at that is
pretty good already, so we feel, on balance, that we have
to decline your tempting offer.
Spock and Dracs
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To the sender
of an email offering web hosting and email addresses, who
was foolhardy enough to include the information that he
had an equal opportunties policy.
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We
really must congratulate you on your enlightened equal opportunities
policy. It's the first time we've ever known Siamese cats
to be included in one. (You did realise you were emailing
two cats didn't you?) We are very open minded ourselves, and
totally unracist (provided none of them actually set paw in
our garden that is), so we do hope you include other breeds
too. We feel we should warn you against dogs however. They
don't have the sense they were born with and would only cause
you trouble.
As we already have our own website
and email address, we won't be availing ourselves of your
generous offer, but do keep up the good work on behalf of
the world's feline surfers.
Spock and Dracs
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To an email asking
if they "Ever Wished They Were Better in Bed"
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You've
certainly come to the right place! We are two red blooded
males and we each spend 20 hours plus in bed every single
day. We think that's a performance to be proud of, but any
tips on how we can make it even better will be much appreciated.
We would especially like to be put in touch with other Siamese
cats so we can compare notes. Perhaps you can help with this?
Yours in anticipation,
Siamese cats Spock and Dracs |
To a website
described as, "not for those offended by adult content",
selling women's underwear. Pictures were included in the
incoming email.
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Thank you very much for sending us
this email. Do you have anything in fur that would be suitable
for us? We are 2 Siamese cats, Dracs is lilac pointed, Spock
blue pointed, so it would need to be a shade that would
blend in with those colours. We would be especially interested
in tail warmers and ear muffs. It gets a bit chilly around
those extremeties when we're out guarding our territorial
rights.
Spock and Dracs
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To an invitation
to visit some "hardcore" websites
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Please
remove us from your mailing list. What on earth makes you
think we'd be interested in looking at pictures of hardcore?
We are two Siamese cats. As far as we're concerned, it's what
we call the ground when there's been a frost and we can't
dig a hole to bury our "doings".
Spock and Dracs
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To the sender of an email which
said:
"Obtain a Bachelor's, Master's,
MBA, or PhD based on your present knowledge and life experience.
No required tests,
classes, or books."
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Thank
you so much for sending us this email. It's wonderful that
someone has finally recognised our true potential! We have
lots of life experience, especially in management skills.
For example, training Ann to work for us was no small task
as she's not very bright. Of course we made allowances for
her, she's only human after all, but we do think she's now
a credit to our skills. We've even published a couple of books
about our methods to pass on the benefit of our experience
to other Siamese cats.
We shall look forward to receiving
our diplomas.
Siamese cats Spock and Dracs
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Copyright
© Ann Dickinson 2002
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