This was previously on Ann's Page

Elsa, who lives on the South Coast of England, corresponds regularly with Spock and Dracs. I thought her very British opinions and attitudes deserved a wider audience.

Hi there, my name is Elsa, I am an oriental chocolate spotted tabby, 9 years old and have been living with John in Worthing since Oct 99. I have been corresponding with Spock and Dracs for about 2 ½ years, and was delighted when they asked me if I would like to share a few of my thoughts for publication on their website. Talk about revelations of a Royal Butler, my silence just cannot be bought!! At last I have been allowed to write up my memoirs. Normally John is busy translating, or compiling spreadsheets and does not seem to appreciate my re-formatting his documents (four paws are quicker than two hands), and keeping the mouse warm by sitting on it. Neither does he appreciate my keeping him under control by punching him on the nose when he ignores me!! So now that he has gone out to get my shopping, I can put paw to key and tell a few tails.

You can see my beautiful markings on this shot.

I must say that whilst John is pretty good in some ways at realising what his proper place is, ie minion, (he had over 20 years of training from Suki, his previous cat, a Blue-point Siamese), there is still plenty of room for improvement - how long must it take him to realise that when I come in from my morning inspection of the estate that my breakfast must be ready before he even thinks about his. Since his last project for BT finished in October, I have to say that there are times when he really does get under my paws, but it does mean that I get grilled chicken midweek.

John still has a painting of Suki by the PC, he was clearly a real character. Even after 3 years I can still use my excuse when John comes home and finds things knocked of shelves etc. - it must have been Suki's ghost.

This is Suki	His ghost has a lot to answer for!

John plays the harpsichord, but again does not seem to appreciate my musical skills- one of my first acts in my new home was to play it by walking along the strings - unfortunately one broke. Now I thought that the resulting sounds were quite avant-garde and should have earned me a compositional grant from the Arts' Council, but John's voice rising through two octaves was even more impressive. He isn't overimpressed when I play a duet with him- just think what an advantage we cats have with four paws, and a tail to flick the pages from the stand. He has just got some CDs of Brazilian songs from the Library, some are quite jazzy and full of exotic rhythms which I do like, I can dance to those with no trouble. John is muttering about getting a couple of Brazilian showgirls in,….in his dreams!!

I do think that cats should be in charge of all the important matters in life- then everything would run smoothly. Take the Co-op and Safeways for instance, they frequently have special offers on Sheba, buy 3 for the price of two, then underestimate demand and run out of some varieties (and sometimes even of the whole stock) within a few days. Now if cats were in charge of the buying, there would never be a problem. And as for John buying a pack of cheap cat food as a substitute- I won't tell you what I did to the saucerful of that!! By the way, Dracs is quite right, where is the fun on being sick on a piece of paper when there is a freshly hoovered carpet or unreadbook/magazine to be christened (even better if it is someone else's).

Talking of food, John has a system whereby when one or both of the two football teams that he supports wins, then I get an extra helping of Sheba (my favourite), some catnip treats, or even some ham. You may be thinking that he is probably a supporter of teams like Arsenal, Man Utd and this season Pompey which win consistently and that I am getting out of shape with the plethora of extra rations. However, since he comes from Gloucestershire, he supports Forest Green Rovers (You're probably saying who? Where?) and Bristol Rovers. Well, since I have been living here, Bristol R have been relegated from the second division, and have just lost eight games in a row and are now bottom of Div 3, whilst Forest Green after a very poor start have suddenly bucked up, and are now in a very respectablete 9th place- it's amazing what a quickly pawed memo to the new manager does. So my bonuses have at times been few and far between. It's all right for Spock & Dracs supporting Newcastle, at least they win regularly. Just don't ever ask me to relive that night when Rovers lost at home to Wycombe and were relegated into Div 3 for the first time ever.

Elsa takes a keen interest in all the food that John buys.

I do wonder about John's intelligence sometimes- I am sitting by the back door asking politely to go out, and he says to me "Do you want to go out?" and then wonders why I shout at him. And then in the winter he gets annoyed when I am out for some time inspecting my estate and he has to leave the door open for when I deign to return, and my comment on marching into the living room is "Boy, it's cold in here". I also love it when I go out in the rain to do my necessaries, come in, leaving very artistic pawprint patterns across the lino (again, I should copyright these, they would make wonderful prints, even better than Picasso), I get towelled down which I really love, and then decide to go out again. You should see the look on his face!

Life always looks more interesting on the other side of the window!

There are a few other cats in my road, but most of them do not come into my garden- one who did without an invitation was soon chased away. John was worried after all the noise that I would be led away pawcuffed for disturbing the peace. I do shout at the new arrival next door, through the catflap, but it won't come out to play.

I do hope that you all had a very happy Xmas, how on earth John expected Santa to get anything into the stocking that would fit my little paws I really don't know. I won't tell you what I pinched to hang up instead, but I got some lovely presents, including a catnip cigar from my American friends. One present I didn't get was a set of Wellington boots, just the thing for splashing through all the puddles with the predicted downpours. We are very fortunate here that there is little risk of floods. One last thought, whilst it is very nice having a lap all to myself, I think that we both need a butler- you see, if the bell or the phone rings or John needs to get up to do something, it means that I am removed from his lap whilst he attends to the interruption. A trained butler would be able to deal with all this and leave us both to carry on in peace. Forget John's suggestion of a Miss K. Minogue, I wonder whether Mr. Burrell would be free to apply. At least John now answers the phone "Tigger Towers- servant speaking".

Very Happy New Year to all felines everywhere,

Elsa

PS. I almost forgot to mention my lovely birthday present from Spock and Dracs last year. It was a quilt, just the right size for me to curl up on in front of the gas fire, and the cover had lots of pix of cats on motorbikes. This gave me some ideas for another Xmas present from John- my very own bike for patrolling the estate. I could cope with being the girl on the pillion, but I would far rather be the solo rider. Just imagine, next time the local supermarket runs out of MY sachets and biscuits, I could ride down there on my Harley, pretending I was the Terminator Tigger, peering through my mirror-shades and drawling "I'll be back- there'd better be some full shelves!". John is a real spoil-sport, wouldn't even consider the idea, and won't allow me to get a tattoo, why he even had the cheek to tell me that I had attitude. I told him "What I'VE got is CAT-ITUDE, now just get my dinner!".

Don't be fooled by the innocent look. Those ears and eyes miss nothing!

Click here to contact Elsa