Hi there, my name is Elsa, I am an oriental
chocolate spotted tabby, 9 years old and have been living with
John in Worthing since Oct 99. I have been corresponding with
Spock and Dracs for about 2 ½ years, and was delighted
when they asked me if I would like to share a few of my thoughts
for publication on their website. Talk about revelations of a
Royal Butler, my silence just cannot be bought!! At last I have
been allowed to write up my memoirs. Normally John is busy translating,
or compiling spreadsheets and does not seem to appreciate my re-formatting
his documents (four paws are quicker than two hands), and keeping
the mouse warm by sitting on it. Neither does he appreciate my
keeping him under control by punching him on the nose when he
ignores me!! So now that he has gone out to get my shopping, I
can put paw to key and tell a few tails.
You can see
my beautiful markings on this shot.
I must say that whilst John is pretty good
in some ways at realising what his proper place is, ie minion,
(he had over 20 years of training from Suki, his previous cat,
a Blue-point Siamese), there is still plenty of room for improvement
- how long must it take him to realise that when I come in from
my morning inspection of the estate that my breakfast must be
ready before he even thinks about his. Since his last project
for BT finished in October, I have to say that there are times
when he really does get under my paws, but it does mean that I
get grilled chicken midweek.
John still has a painting of Suki by the
PC, he was clearly a real character. Even after 3 years I can
still use my excuse when John comes home and finds things knocked
of shelves etc. - it must have been Suki's ghost.
ghost has a lot to answer for!
John plays the harpsichord, but again does
not seem to appreciate my musical skills- one of my first acts
in my new home was to play it by walking along the strings - unfortunately
one broke. Now I thought that the resulting sounds were quite
avant-garde and should have earned me a compositional grant from
the Arts' Council, but John's voice rising through two octaves
was even more impressive. He isn't overimpressed when I play a
duet with him- just think what an advantage we cats have with
four paws, and a tail to flick the pages from the stand. He has
just got some CDs of Brazilian songs from the Library, some are
quite jazzy and full of exotic rhythms which I do like, I can
dance to those with no trouble. John is muttering about getting
a couple of Brazilian showgirls in,
.in his dreams!!
I do think that cats should be in charge
of all the important matters in life- then everything would run
smoothly. Take the Co-op and Safeways for instance, they frequently
have special offers on Sheba, buy 3 for the price of two, then
underestimate demand and run out of some varieties (and sometimes
even of the whole stock) within a few days. Now if cats were in
charge of the buying, there would never be a problem. And as for
John buying a pack of cheap cat food as a substitute- I won't
tell you what I did to the saucerful of that!! By the way, Dracs
is quite right, where is the fun on being sick on a piece of paper
when there is a freshly hoovered carpet or unreadbook/magazine
to be christened (even better if it is someone else's).
Talking of food,
John has a system whereby when one or both of the two football
teams that he supports wins, then I get an extra helping of Sheba
(my favourite), some catnip treats, or even some ham. You may
be thinking that he is probably a supporter of teams like Arsenal,
Man Utd and this season Pompey which win consistently and that
I am getting out of shape with the plethora of extra rations.
However, since he comes from Gloucestershire, he supports Forest
Green Rovers (You're probably saying who? Where?) and Bristol
Rovers. Well, since I have been living here, Bristol R have been
relegated from the second division, and have just lost eight games
in a row and are now bottom of Div 3, whilst Forest Green after
a very poor start have suddenly bucked up, and are now in a very
respectablete 9th place- it's amazing what a quickly pawed memo
to the new manager does. So my bonuses have at times been few
and far between. It's all right for Spock & Dracs supporting
Newcastle, at least they win regularly. Just don't ever ask me
to relive that night when Rovers lost at home to Wycombe and were
relegated into Div 3 for the first time ever.
Elsa takes a
keen interest in all the food that John buys.
I do wonder about John's intelligence sometimes-
I am sitting by the back door asking politely to go out, and he
says to me "Do you want to go out?" and then wonders
why I shout at him. And then in the winter he gets annoyed when
I am out for some time inspecting my estate and he has to leave
the door open for when I deign to return, and my comment on marching
into the living room is "Boy, it's cold in here". I
also love it when I go out in the rain to do my necessaries, come
in, leaving very artistic pawprint patterns across the lino (again,
I should copyright these, they would make wonderful prints, even
better than Picasso), I get towelled down which I really love,
and then decide to go out again. You should see the look on his
looks more interesting on the other side of the window!
There are a few other cats in my road,
but most of them do not come into my garden- one who did without
an invitation was soon chased away. John was worried after all
the noise that I would be led away pawcuffed for disturbing the
peace. I do shout at the new arrival next door, through the catflap,
but it won't come out to play.
I do hope that you all had a very happy
Xmas, how on earth John expected Santa to get anything into the
stocking that would fit my little paws I really don't know. I
won't tell you what I pinched to hang up instead, but I got some
lovely presents, including a catnip cigar from my American friends.
One present I didn't get was a set of Wellington boots, just the
thing for splashing through all the puddles with the predicted
downpours. We are very fortunate here that there is little risk
of floods. One last thought, whilst it is very nice having a lap
all to myself, I think that we both need a butler- you see, if
the bell or the phone rings or John needs to get up to do something,
it means that I am removed from his lap whilst he attends to the
interruption. A trained butler would be able to deal with all
this and leave us both to carry on in peace. Forget John's suggestion
of a Miss K. Minogue, I wonder whether Mr. Burrell would be free
to apply. At least John now answers the phone "Tigger Towers-
Very Happy New Year to all felines everywhere,
PS. I almost forgot to mention my lovely
birthday present from Spock and Dracs last year. It was a quilt,
just the right size for me to curl up on in front of the gas fire,
and the cover had lots of pix of cats on motorbikes. This gave
me some ideas for another Xmas present from John- my very own
bike for patrolling the estate. I could cope with being the girl
on the pillion, but I would far rather be the solo rider. Just
imagine, next time the local supermarket runs out of MY sachets
and biscuits, I could ride down there on my Harley, pretending
I was the Terminator Tigger, peering through my mirror-shades
and drawling "I'll be back- there'd better be some full shelves!".
John is a real spoil-sport, wouldn't even consider the idea, and
won't allow me to get a tattoo, why he even had the cheek to tell
me that I had attitude. I told him "What I'VE got is CAT-ITUDE,
now just get my dinner!".
Don't be fooled
by the innocent look. Those ears and eyes miss nothing!
here to contact Elsa